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Breaking Down God’s Numbers

Tim Tebow inspires a nation
I must admit, I have not always been a fan of the NFL.  For years it stood, a symbol of America’s descent into the depths of sin and damnation.  Church attendance was down, people were turning from the Lord in droves, spurning their houses of worship to sup at the idol of the No Faith League.  We pastors worried deeply about our flocks as they spent their money on Sunday Ticket football rather than a Sunday ticket to salvation.  The Sabbath was not being kept holy.  It was an abomination of tailgates, drunken debauchery, and sexually shaped sausage meats.  It was a land populated by bitter beasts of Beelzebub and men of questionable sexuality like Jeff Garcia and Tom Brady.  America was sinning and would sorely test the wrath of God.  We searched in vain for signs of forgiveness.  And yet, our Lord in Heaven truly does work in mysterious ways, for just when it appeared we would be smote by Him going vengefully Old Testament, He instead sent a savior.  He sent Tim Tebow.  And for a nation of fans obsessed with statistical analysis, He sent clear evidence of His grace in the numbers.


Tebow’s path is one of perseverance.  When Pamela Tebow was told her son could be born with severe birth defects, she was conflicted.  Her liberal Jewish doctors told her to procure an abortion, but she was unmoved.  When she looked at that ultrasound image, she saw a fetus curled into a position of prayer.  Sure enough, that little Timbryo sent word from the Almighty Lord straight up that belly tube and into the placenta, where it was relayed straight to Pamela’s head.  It’s science.  This boy would do great things in honor of Him.  Sure enough, Tim Tebow was born on 8/11/1987.  Coincidence? Do the math.  If you sum all of those numbers, you end up with 38.  You add up that 38 and you’ve got the number 11, as in 11 disciples who didn’t betray their Lord Jesus Christ.  Tim Tebow is every one of those disciples rolled into one, fighting against the Judas Iscariots of the world.  God is good.


Sure enough, that young Timbryo grew into a man devoted to our Father.  He blessed him with his every breath, and the Lord blessed him as well, with the athleticism of a fiery angel and a girlfriend with a  prodigious bosom.  It was His will that Tebow succeed at the University of Florida.  If you take the word GATORS and convert it into numbers, you get 7-1-20-15-18-19.  Well, do the math.  If you multiply 7 by 18 by 19 by 20 and divide it by 15, you get 202.666.  I don’t believe I need to tell you that it looks like a holy man shooting lightning out of a pair of staffs at the sign of the beast on the other side of the decimal.  The Lord makes it so.  It’s science.  God is good.


Tebow has risen up to the rank of starting NFL quarterback, placed in the league by God himself to ensure that this great nation will not fall by the wayside, but will worship once again.  His signs manifest themselves everywhere.  Just this past weekend, Tebow set a record by rushing for 22 carries, the highest total for a QB in the Super Bowl era, and the highest since 1950.  Sweet God Almighty with the signs, there goes that math again.  If you take those 2s, you can add them, multiply them, or even form an exponent.  It always comes out to four, a clear reference to the Holy Trinity and Tim Tebow.  As for that 1950, add 19 to 50 and you end up with a disgusting and despicable act of damnable depravation.  Tim Tebow destroyed the memory of that filthy act.  God’s will be done.  God is good.


Today, we at Double Rainbow Community Church embrace God’s gift.  With the glorious donations of our members, we’ve been able to purchase a projector large enough to do Tim Tebow’s visage justice.  We watch our Lord’s messenger within our sanctuary every Sunday, rifling through his statistics for signs of God’s love.  Just last week, one of our flock found the coordinates of the Dead Sea Scrolls in a stat line.  Unfortunately, a stat correction the next morning forced us to reconfigure.  Don’t worry, though, we’ll find something, some new message to interpret and love.  It’s all in the numbers.


Pastor Jim Dawson is the pastor of Double Rainbow Community Church and a new convert to Denver Broncos fandom.


  1. zookeeper says:

    If God is so good, why does he play favorites having Tebow beat the equally religious and good Christian, Philip Rivers, in San Diego? That doesn’t seem fair of God.

  2. Se3rious says:

    This reads like an Onion article.

  3. says:

    i have killed trolls in skyrim twice your size!

  4. Yourdumb says:

    Whats the point of this article?

    • Jim Dawson says:

      The point is to spread the good word of the Lord and to illuminate how he works through his humble vessels here on earth. He sent this man to show us His presence. I hear these people ask for proof of a God. Tim Tebow is that proof. I’m just a messenger sharing that message.

  5. Try Again says:

    this is hysterical!

  6. Dante d'Amore says:

    “Tim Tebow was born on 8/11/1987. Coincidence? Do the math. If you sum all of those numbers, you end up with 38. You add up that 38 and you’ve got the number 11, as in 11 disciples who didn’t betray their Lord Jesus Christ. ”

    Actually, you end up with “35.” You add up that 35 and you’ve got the number 8, as in 8, the number of Kyle Orton. Do your own joke …


  1. [...] Pastor Jim Dawson returns after his award-winning prophesy, Breaking Down God’s Numbers. [...]

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