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God’s Chosen

 

Tim Tebow inspires a nation

Tebowing poised to sweep New York City

I spent the beginning of this week praying for the Denver Broncos to come to their senses and get out of the Peyton Manning sweepstakes. Tim Tebow was such a perfect fit, ascendant in that city so near God’s grace, in a stadium that extra mile closer to heaven. Tebow the Bronco felt right. It fit. I didn’t understand why God would rip that away through his servant John Elway. It was with my mouth agape that I watched the news that Manning was headed to Denver and that the team was seeking its 30 pieces of silver to ship away the young prophet. Perhaps he was returning home to Jacksonville, truly God’s country filled with good, humble Christian folk. That would have been fitting indeed. When the dust settled, however, and the prophet was headed to the sinful land of New York, I came to a different conclusion: Satan was in the world.

Surely this could only be the work of the devil. That vile cesspool of a city, New York, is home to perhaps the NFL’s most shameful team. It was the New York Jets who made a star out of a long haired, cross dressing quarterback in an age that should have belonged solely to the clean cut Johnny Unitas. The current locker room holds profaners, adulterers, and drug addicts. Its quarterback has been spilling his seed into a harlot named Kate Upton who sells more sex than the Whore of Babylon. Its vaunted defensive backfield is comprised of a gluttonous man with a lust for money, idolized by blasphemers who call him Revis Christ, and a man-slut with nearly as many children as fingers, all from a handful of women. A touchdown score in this locker room is the seven deadly sins indeed.

Why in the world would God send His beloved Tebow into a den of iniquity and depravity such as this? He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. It was Lucifer seeking to tempt another star to fall. I prayed for Tim. I wept. My congregation held vigils through the night, singing modern hymns for his salvation from the evils of that liberal state. In the morning, however, we found him still a Jet. Worse still, he was actually happy to go. We watched the news conference on the big screens in our sanctuary. We paused it, looking for some sign of Satan’s handiwork. A flash of red in his eyes. An emergent horn or two upon his head. We played it backwards to hear some hidden message about sacrificing a virgin and drinking the menstrual blood of an unkempt calf. Nothing.

It hit me suddenly like a bolt of light. This was no curse of the Lord of Hell. This was his mission. It takes a rare and special man to rescue a sinner from himself, and we’ve long known that Tim Tebow is a rare and special man. There is no place on Earth more replete with sinners than New York City. Tim will have women throwing themselves at him with their forked tongues and gaping, diseased nethers. He will find crack cocaine and other drugs slipped into his pockets by those seeking to move him from the path. He will find Jews who try to part him from his money to drain the collection plate. He will be cursed at by that foul beastly blob, the Golgothan himself Rex Ryan. He will, however, emerge unscathed. His light will shine upon the city, and New York will rise anew, washed and reborn.  Tebow can turn that locker room into a veritable city upon a hill, an example for the NFL and its fans around the world.  He can make Sanchez place a crucifix in that ample cleavage of Upton and a ring upon her finger.  He can convince Revis to donate his money to a worthy church and adopt the new name of Revis the Pious.  He can even perform the miracle of assigning Cromartie’s children to a single mother, making him as holy a family as the Duggars.  He can fix the New York Jets, and he can fix New York.

It will not be easy, however, and Tebow will certainly call upon his faithful followers to aid him in his mission. We must be strong, we must be forceful, and we must be vigilant. We must crowd the stadium and call for his glory to be on full display. Every play run by Mark Sanchez is a play in which God’s glory is stolen. Throw up your billboards. Call the front office. Demand that the Holy Day in New Meadowlands Stadium be celebrated by a man truly fit to do so. Be ever steady as a rock and persevere until the starting job is his. God will reward you. We are faced with as great a crisis of the faith as the invention of the evolution myth, and we must not fail again. Tim Tebow must start.

Pastor Jim Dawson is the pastor of Double Rainbow Community Church.  He returns to YDKF after burning his Broncos gear and embracing the Green and White.  We may never get rid of him now.

Comments

  1. Alan says:

    Amen. I worried for a bit about false idolatry, but the chance to spread the word of God with the heathens who usually watch football has overcome. I’ve begun sending 7 postcards a day to the Jets front office demanding that Tim be given a rightful chance to start. I’d encourage others to do the same or face God for your wickedness.

  2. Zutroy says:

    Hahahha. This was fantastic.

  3. Doug says:

    Tebow is going to try and convert everyone in the stadium.

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